Oh my.

This pretty much sums up my class this evening:

"I don't know why I have to think about this - all teachers just work from the manual anyway."

I have to go to bed now. For a very long time.

Intermission: Chicago, Cupcake Edition

I ran away for the weekend, seeking refuge at Anne's apartment in Chicago. Part escape from an unrelenting schedule, part desire to partake in the Renegade Craft Fair, it was a full weekend. Reminds me how much I miss that woman and how much I love the city of Chicago. 

Don't get me wrong, St. Louis: I love the ability to commute across you in less than twenty minutes, the resources you offer, and your amazing green space. I feel like you and I will be dating for a good long while. 

I left Renegade without purchase - though there were so many pretty things to be had - but Anne and I did stop at the Alliance Bakery, where I may have had the best chocolate-peanut butter cupcake in the world. 

So much goodness. 

I will write something of substance soon. Swearsies. 

500 Miles

It's Thursday, which is kind of crazy to think about. I've survived my first week of teaching, my first day of faculty/staff meetings, and am ready for a weekend of equal parts work and recreation. Life is settling, slowly but surely, though I've not yet reached that point where anything seems quotidian; rather, it seems as though I'm living someone else's life right now, trying it on as it were. It's a turn of phrase that is appropriate, I guess, as a metaphor. I'm trying on life here in St. Louis, experimenting with who I'll become over time. 

I'm approaching this as something of a luxury, a spoil of moving to a new city in which one knows nary a soul. I'm pondering whether such a move is an act of bravery (as described by students earlier in the week as they contemplated the notion of a cold move) or as an act of selfishness, to allow oneself to be so untethered to drift from place to place to place. I'm just pondering, really, and am unsure I'll arrive to any kind of conclusion, particularly because it's a moot question. I'm here. Becoming. 

There. Here. Somewhere.

The list: 

Dissertation: defended (successfuly!) 

Apartment: found and (mostly) unpacked

Job: started

So, yeah. That happened quickly. I'm still a bit overwhelmed, but life is settling down. The city has been amazing, the people as well, and I think I'm going to be pretty happy here for a while. 

And teaching? Starts tomorrow. I have the dreaded 8 AM Monday class. It's going to be awesome. 

Lasts: A List

* Dinner with my amazing students. They will be amazing teachers and I am so proud to have been a part of their education.

* Meeting with my diss committee before the defense. Their guidance has been invaluable. My work is good because they have been honest and thoughtful in their feedback.

* Tutoring session with my tutoring kiddo. I've been with him for two years. I've already cried about this.

* Loaf of bread baked in my Columbus apartment. Crazy to think my next loaf will be elsewhere. I know this is a weird metric. Don't judge.

Words I Wish I'd Written...

Today, I'm sending in a completed draft of my dissertation, which means my actual defense is a little under a month away. Insane.

So: to celebrate the hundreds of pages of jumbled words I just sent out, some lovely ones I recently read:

"There's an intimacy in listening to somebody's lies, I've always thought-- you learn more about someone from the things they wish were true than from the things that actually really are."

(p.26, from the beautiful A Partial History of Lost Causes by Jennifer Dubois. If you are in the search of a phenomenal read, here it is.)

I lived amongst giants

A friend and I spent the morning of the Fourth wandering around the town I currently live in, actually looking at the architecture that exists here. Even though I've lived here for a year, I'd never actually taken the time to really look at the buildings I lived amongst and am unsure I will ever again live amongst such a high density of mid-century architecture again. 

I'd share more pics, but due to the craposity that is Yahoo, I'm unable to access my Flickr account on my laptop. I'm half tempted to drag my iMac to the Starbucks so I can edit photos. Anyway, more of that morning at some point. 

Also: a full draft of my dissertation will be sent into my committee on Monday. Not THE final copy, but close. Crazy. This is happening. Insane.

Happy weekend! 

From YouTube: 

Indeed.

I can't help but find this hilarious. I doubt their methodology.

July 4th Eve

There's nothing more American than watching the symphony on a 90-degree night. Every moment I thought about complaining, I remembered the peeps in costume, all wool and discomfort. Plus, I was with pretty amazing people. The high temperatures really don't seem all that horrible when in good company.

Also: living without Internet at home is slowly killing me. Slowly. Killing. Me. 

Also: it highlights how spoiled I am. Really. 

Exactly Where You Need To Be

Last night, around 11:00 at night, a firetruck appeared in the parking lot of my apartment building. I was working on the latest batch of edits from my diss committee and, upon realizing it was a firetruck, proceeded to pack up my iMac with such efficiency I imagine I would be an Olympic contender were it an event. 

The firetruck at the wrong address. 

This dissertation has done weird things to me.

In other news, Wrench appears to have been adopted! I stopped at the shelter yesterday and was informed he didn't last long, being snatched up by a little girl and her family as a birthday present. Happy birthday, indeed. 

This is Wrench. 

I found him wandering through my apartment building yesterday, no collar, no identification. Thinking someone in my locked building would claim him, I poster fliers throughout the building but, sadly, here we sit thirty-six hours later. Wrench is in the kitchen, tossing a paper ball around. 

Tomorrow, he's heading to the no-kill animal shelter. I can't keep him; in between preparing for the move and my dissertation defense, I have no patience for a kitten and this is a kitten who deserves someone with patience, someone who won't threaten him with an oven roasting when they are writing against a deadline and all he wants to do is play. 

There is guilt about it, dropping him off like this, but that I've done my best to do right by this cat (I went door to door, with the meowing feline - finally met all the neighbors; there are bags of kitty litter and food beneath my sink - these are huge things for someone who is not a cat person) will have to be a salve. 

Ugh. Wrench indeed. 

Landmarks, Deadlines, and Other Scary Things

Hi.

I'm still around, I swear.

There hasn't been any misconduct. These dissertation things are intense, leaving little time or space for anything else. Throw in a new move, preparations for a new job, trying to send out just one more article...

It's been bananas.

B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

But: things are moving. 30-day notice given at my apartment, movers scheduled to pick my things up and store them while I finish writing in Michigan, and a defense date set.

All in the last twelve hours.

Did I mention: bananas?

31

Feet on ground, heart in hand, facing forward: just be yourself. 
I've never wanted anything so bad(ly). 

Nashville

 

 I was in Tuscaloosa, Alabama last weekend for a conference and overnighted in Nashville on my drive down. My first time in the city, it was lovely, although it definitely gave Chicago a run for the title of The Windy City. A little less than twelve hours in the city wasn't enough, though. I'll definitely be back, perhaps this summer. I bet it's a kick ass city in the summer.

This is a pretty accurate representation of my week: I've spent an inordinate amount of time in front of my computer, working on a dissertation chapter, and have been sneaking in a bit of knitting in the down times. Entrelac is perfect for this: eight stitches at a time, one small section at a time. So easy to pick up and put back down. There has been a lot of this type of activity over the course of the week. 

Also: saddle shoes. I'm all about them. 

The unfortunate part about the insane work week is my total exhaustion right now. I'm written out, despite stringing these words together here, and find that I've neglected a pile of grading. That is what the rest of the day needs to be: getting caught up because tomorrow? Tomorrow, there is a dissertation chapter to finish putting together. 

Oh, and a presentation. Presentation next weekend in Tuscaloosa. Hm. Tuscaloosa. 

Also: I'm enjoying these portraits on the stairs. More than I would like to admit. 

Oh, Links.

I collect links like some people collect coffee mugs, until they clog up my browser and make it impossible to focus. So, I'll dump them here. Some more Linky Love. 


"Believing there's no God means I can't really be forgiven except by kindness and faulty memories. That's good; it makes me want to be more thoughtful. I have to try to treat people right the first time around." Oh gosh, yes. Also: This. 


I already love Kristin Nicholas for her color sense, but I love her even more for showing off the not-so-pretty side of knitting. Cross reference: This. 


This book is on my bedside table, waiting to be read. The fact that Curtis Sittenfeld loved it makes me excited to dig into it. 


This resonates so, especially as I think back on my time in the elementary classroom. And then I read about crap like Miramonte Elementary School and want to vomit. 


Ashley at Film in the Fridge may have just given me the inspiration for my bed quilt. Now, if only there is the time... 


And back to writing. 

On My Own Loose Ends and Developing Plot

I've been writing all morning. Well, analyzing data, more to the point. Sarah Jaffe has been my soundtrack: melancholy yet not overpoweringly so. 

That's been my mindset lately. Sad along the edges. This too shall pass. 

I've been filling the time normally filled with a Manfriend with books and have been fortunate to find several really amazing YA novels as of late. Have you read anything by Gary D. Schmidt? If not, run (don't walk - his books are that good!) to your local library or book store and pick up any of his books. I read Lizzie Bright and the Buckminster Boy over the holidays and loved his careful, honest treatment of the subject matter. I finished Okay for Now, his newest tome last week and was blown away by his beautiful and sparse words weaving together themes of art, love, and redemption. I just finished listening The Wednesday Wars, which introduces the character Doug from Okay for Now and was blown away. The man has a knack for packing a ridiculous amount of meaning into a sentence, for writing middle schoolers who are smart and vulnerable and maybe, perhaps, just a little bit devious. I loved all three of these books, though, reader be warned, they don't end happily ever after. 

Perhaps that is why they have been the perfect before-bed reading: by the end of the novel, there are still loose ends, still stories to be told. 

What I Wore

I will admit: I didn't get What I Wore posts. In my head, they seemed a bit self-indulgent, a little too... I don't know... look at me. I am normally not the look at me kind of guy. 

And then I went shopping. In anticipation for job interviews, I enlisted the help of my friend Willie, who has amazing taste in clothing, and we spent an entire day (I'm talking arriving at the mall when it opens and not getting home to my apartment until almost nine that evening) buying clothes on a somewhat tight budget. I ended up buying some pieces I never would have thought - pieces I never thought I would look good in. And yet they work. 

I'm still not convinced that clothes make the man or woman or even dog, but the day does seem a bit better when you feel like you look good. 

Things I Would Like You To Know:

I stayed in it as long as I could, perhaps longer than I should have. By staying, I realize, I reified the idea I would always be there, by your side, through whatever. I stayed past my breaking point, almost to the point of resentment. I got out before resentment had a chance to ferment. I didn't want to hate you and fear that is where I was heading. 

Two and a half days, in the course of fifteen months, is nothing. It's seeing the trees despite of the forest. Our forest was not in good shape. We weren't in good shape. For us to be healthy together, we needed to be healthy apart, individually. You weren't able to keep up your end of the bargain. I needed to give you the space to regoup, refocus, center, find your bliss. I cannot be your bliss. I know you don't see it this way. 

I'm not running away. I'm still here, albeit not in the same capacity. I did not select my dissertation over you. I chose my happiness over you. Somewhere along the line, they stopped being the same thing. They hadn't been for a while. I understand that friendships with exes don't work for every relationship. I see that now. I'm struggling with the thought of not having you in my life in any way, shape, or form, but realize that is not my right. 

I don't have the right to know how your story goes. I will be okay with this some day, but not today. 

Where does the good go?

And this is how I am thinking about life at the moment. 

One of my Favorite Places on Earth

The lurch, it begins. Not quite free of my grading, I fled Indiana late last week and have been hiding out with friends. Oh, Michigan: I miss you.

Grading to finish today. I am oh-so-close to being free of my instructor responsibilities for Fall 2011. So. Close. Knitting at a feverish pace. (Hadn't I promised myself NOT to do handmade ho-ho-ho holidays this year?) Have two quilts to finish before the big day. Two. (Really, Nick? Are you insane?) 

And this is how the holiday goes, sputtering and, at times, angsty but I really wouldn't want it any other way. 

Now to finish that grading. 

Some Days

Some days are just Ride a Bummer days. Some weekends are Bummer Road Trip weekends. Sometimes you just got to ride it out and the only thing that gets you through it is the thought that it can't be forever. Embroidering initials on a baby sweater, is helpful as well. 

It will not last forever. 

It Will Be There

I took a day off. Okay, a few days off. I ignored dissertation work, did minimal work on a manuscript due in a week, and didn't clean my apartment. 

Instead, I sat on my couch, watched Doc Martin episodes, and worked with some yarn. Granny squares, mostly. There may have been some Florence + the Machine involved as well.  

And I will get back to it tomorrow. 

November 1

November 1. When did you get here?