And that, I figure, is the cost of having one's own life: the moment you are in one space, you begin missing another. It's a constant state of longing that, while painful, reminds you of just how lovely your life really is.
28 December 2010
I had grand plans for these days of vacation: books were going to be read, articles written and sent off to their respective journals, interviews transcribed. While the reading has happened, there has been little else going on. I am a horrible graduate student right now, which is why I put off traveling back downstate for a day to spend today in front of my laptop, working through some of the things on my to-do list.
There has, however, been a flourish of crocheting. (Crocheting? Is that how that verb works?) My mom's best friend taught me how to put together a granny square on Christmas day and I find myself sneaking away from holiday presents-yet-to-be-knit (yikes!) to work a round. Addicting, it is. I'm hoping for a granny square afghan, especially after seeing this beauty. A full-size granny square for the end of my bed, please and thank you.
However, now I must transcribe. Two hours of transcription. My reward will be a trip to the antique store on the edge of town.
26 December 2010
I watch him from the couch, fiddling with the scooter, attempting to maintain his balance using his walker while wanting so much to ride the scooter his brother received under the Christmas tree just yesterday. Every so often, he loses his balance and the scooter crashes into the floor. He looks up, nods his head at me, giggles, and leans down to try again. It's a ten minute ordeal for him to work his way through the palsy, to make his body do the things he wants it to do. I get up off the couch to help him and he sees me. The scooter drops to the floor again and he waves me away. I sit back down and he works for the better part of a half hour to turn the bike upright and place one foot on the platform. Here, however, he is stuck, unsure of what to do next.
I am finally allowed off of the couch and I place his other foot on the platform and hold his hands over the handles. Together, we wander through the house, his squeals of laughter causing Craig to chuckle. As we turn the corner of the kitchen island, the most absurd thought enters into my head: I wish I believed. I wish I bought into some sort of system of belief that supported reincarnation because this laughing ten-year-old on the scooter deserves some grace should there be a next time around, to be able to move his body as a dancer does.
But I don't believe in a next time around and unfairness of the situation is almost overwhelming until he lets out another squeal and I find myself brought back into the moment. And in this moment, he is flying on his scooter and neither he nor I need any more grace. This is enough.
24 December 2010
There is a moment while driving home, normally once I realize I haven't seen a coffee joint in 100 miles, that I begin questioning why I make the fifteen total hour drive home, especially as I grow bored with the CDs I have packed and find myself facing a wall of Christian music stations. Nothing wrong with them, just not for me, thank you.
And then I get home and the little brothers are bouncing up and down before we all end up crashing in bed together, a giant sleepover.
I'm frantically knitting, consuming massive amounts of coffee, and watching reality television with the little bros. It's delightful. Hopefully yours is as well.
06 December 2010
I have no idea where the fall went, yet when I arrived back in Bloomington last night from Chicago, snow had fallen. The fall, it is over. It seems as though I did things and yet nothing seems to have gotten done. I don't like this feeling and suspect I will be spending the next two weeks hurrying through tasks to remedy the feeling that this semester hasn't been a complete wash.
And it hasn't, truly. It just feels like it.
Between this post and the last, a lot has happened. I've travelled to Orlando for the NCTE annual convention (and the Wizarding World of Harry Potter!), spent Thanksgiving in Michigan, and just got back from a weekend in Chicago. I've also worked through a pilot of my dissertation study - actual data collection to begin in January! - and have worked through several fellowship applications for the coming year. To top this flurry of activity, I've been seeing DF (Dear Fellow) for about three months now, which eats up what little free time I have. Life, all in all, has been delightful, though. Busy, but delightful, and only getting busier as the holiday gears up. My knitting isn't anywhere near completed and I'm feverishly trying to finish it.
It all gets done. Thinking: it all gets done.