31 January 2012

Things I Would Like You To Know:


I stayed in it as long as I could, perhaps longer than I should have. By staying, I realize, I reified the idea I would always be there, by your side, through whatever. I stayed past my breaking point, almost to the point of resentment. I got out before resentment had a chance to ferment. I didn't want to hate you and fear that is where I was heading. 

Two and a half days, in the course of fifteen months, is nothing. It's seeing the trees despite of the forest. Our forest was not in good shape. We weren't in good shape. For us to be healthy together, we needed to be healthy apart, individually. You weren't able to keep up your end of the bargain. I needed to give you the space to regoup, refocus, center, find your bliss. I cannot be your bliss. I know you don't see it this way. 

I'm not running away. I'm still here, albeit not in the same capacity. I did not select my dissertation over you. I chose my happiness over you. Somewhere along the line, they stopped being the same thing. They hadn't been for a while. I understand that friendships with exes don't work for every relationship. I see that now. I'm struggling with the thought of not having you in my life in any way, shape, or form, but realize that is not my right. 

I don't have the right to know how your story goes. I will be okay with this some day, but not today. 

21 January 2012