This is a pretty accurate representation of my week: I've spent an inordinate amount of time in front of my computer, working on a dissertation chapter, and have been sneaking in a bit of knitting in the down times. Entrelac is perfect for this: eight stitches at a time, one small section at a time. So easy to pick up and put back down. There has been a lot of this type of activity over the course of the week. 

Also: saddle shoes. I'm all about them. 

The unfortunate part about the insane work week is my total exhaustion right now. I'm written out, despite stringing these words together here, and find that I've neglected a pile of grading. That is what the rest of the day needs to be: getting caught up because tomorrow? Tomorrow, there is a dissertation chapter to finish putting together. 

Oh, and a presentation. Presentation next weekend in Tuscaloosa. Hm. Tuscaloosa. 

Also: I'm enjoying these portraits on the stairs. More than I would like to admit. 

Oh, Links.

I collect links like some people collect coffee mugs, until they clog up my browser and make it impossible to focus. So, I'll dump them here. Some more Linky Love. 


"Believing there's no God means I can't really be forgiven except by kindness and faulty memories. That's good; it makes me want to be more thoughtful. I have to try to treat people right the first time around." Oh gosh, yes. Also: This. 


I already love Kristin Nicholas for her color sense, but I love her even more for showing off the not-so-pretty side of knitting. Cross reference: This. 


This book is on my bedside table, waiting to be read. The fact that Curtis Sittenfeld loved it makes me excited to dig into it. 


This resonates so, especially as I think back on my time in the elementary classroom. And then I read about crap like Miramonte Elementary School and want to vomit. 


Ashley at Film in the Fridge may have just given me the inspiration for my bed quilt. Now, if only there is the time... 


And back to writing. 

On My Own Loose Ends and Developing Plot

I've been writing all morning. Well, analyzing data, more to the point. Sarah Jaffe has been my soundtrack: melancholy yet not overpoweringly so. 

That's been my mindset lately. Sad along the edges. This too shall pass. 

I've been filling the time normally filled with a Manfriend with books and have been fortunate to find several really amazing YA novels as of late. Have you read anything by Gary D. Schmidt? If not, run (don't walk - his books are that good!) to your local library or book store and pick up any of his books. I read Lizzie Bright and the Buckminster Boy over the holidays and loved his careful, honest treatment of the subject matter. I finished Okay for Now, his newest tome last week and was blown away by his beautiful and sparse words weaving together themes of art, love, and redemption. I just finished listening The Wednesday Wars, which introduces the character Doug from Okay for Now and was blown away. The man has a knack for packing a ridiculous amount of meaning into a sentence, for writing middle schoolers who are smart and vulnerable and maybe, perhaps, just a little bit devious. I loved all three of these books, though, reader be warned, they don't end happily ever after. 

Perhaps that is why they have been the perfect before-bed reading: by the end of the novel, there are still loose ends, still stories to be told. 

What I Wore

I will admit: I didn't get What I Wore posts. In my head, they seemed a bit self-indulgent, a little too... I don't know... look at me. I am normally not the look at me kind of guy. 

And then I went shopping. In anticipation for job interviews, I enlisted the help of my friend Willie, who has amazing taste in clothing, and we spent an entire day (I'm talking arriving at the mall when it opens and not getting home to my apartment until almost nine that evening) buying clothes on a somewhat tight budget. I ended up buying some pieces I never would have thought - pieces I never thought I would look good in. And yet they work. 

I'm still not convinced that clothes make the man or woman or even dog, but the day does seem a bit better when you feel like you look good. 

Things I Would Like You To Know:

I stayed in it as long as I could, perhaps longer than I should have. By staying, I realize, I reified the idea I would always be there, by your side, through whatever. I stayed past my breaking point, almost to the point of resentment. I got out before resentment had a chance to ferment. I didn't want to hate you and fear that is where I was heading. 

Two and a half days, in the course of fifteen months, is nothing. It's seeing the trees despite of the forest. Our forest was not in good shape. We weren't in good shape. For us to be healthy together, we needed to be healthy apart, individually. You weren't able to keep up your end of the bargain. I needed to give you the space to regoup, refocus, center, find your bliss. I cannot be your bliss. I know you don't see it this way. 

I'm not running away. I'm still here, albeit not in the same capacity. I did not select my dissertation over you. I chose my happiness over you. Somewhere along the line, they stopped being the same thing. They hadn't been for a while. I understand that friendships with exes don't work for every relationship. I see that now. I'm struggling with the thought of not having you in my life in any way, shape, or form, but realize that is not my right. 

I don't have the right to know how your story goes. I will be okay with this some day, but not today. 

Where does the good go?

And this is how I am thinking about life at the moment. 

One of my Favorite Places on Earth

The lurch, it begins. Not quite free of my grading, I fled Indiana late last week and have been hiding out with friends. Oh, Michigan: I miss you.

Grading to finish today. I am oh-so-close to being free of my instructor responsibilities for Fall 2011. So. Close. Knitting at a feverish pace. (Hadn't I promised myself NOT to do handmade ho-ho-ho holidays this year?) Have two quilts to finish before the big day. Two. (Really, Nick? Are you insane?) 

And this is how the holiday goes, sputtering and, at times, angsty but I really wouldn't want it any other way. 

Now to finish that grading. 

Some Days

Some days are just Ride a Bummer days. Some weekends are Bummer Road Trip weekends. Sometimes you just got to ride it out and the only thing that gets you through it is the thought that it can't be forever. Embroidering initials on a baby sweater, is helpful as well. 

It will not last forever. 

It Will Be There

I took a day off. Okay, a few days off. I ignored dissertation work, did minimal work on a manuscript due in a week, and didn't clean my apartment. 

Instead, I sat on my couch, watched Doc Martin episodes, and worked with some yarn. Granny squares, mostly. There may have been some Florence + the Machine involved as well.  

And I will get back to it tomorrow. 

November 1

November 1. When did you get here? 

The Halloween That Almost Wasn't

It's Halloween. Crap. When did that happen? One of my favorite Halloween specials ever - 1979's The Halloween That Almost Wasn't. It would be on the Disney Channel when I was a kid and it brought together everything I loved: Dracula, Halloween, comedy. I watched this EVERY chance I had. Decades later, in the midst of my own Halloween-that-almost-wasn't, I still can't help but find it entertaining. Best line: "It's one of those days I wish I was dead. And stayed dead." Enjoy. 

AND THE DISCO PARTY! OH YES! 

And my orchid? According to Brooklyn Orchids, it appears I have quite a few roots, but I don't see any flower spikes. This is unfortunate, but means I've been taking decent care of the plant. 

And now: grading. Happy Halloween! 

There are few phrases in the English language that piss me off more than Welcome to the real world, as though I'm existing in a fantasy land of pixie dust and marshmallow-crapping unicorns. In my real world, I'm spending seven hours a day in front of my computer, attempting to make sense of data, while teaching and applying for jobs. Oh, and resubmitting articles after revising them. And writing letters of recommendation for teacher candidates. And attempting to keep myself in clean clothing so I don't get any weird looks when I go out in public. Real world, my ass.

In other news, I'm not sure what is going on with my orchid. I'm assuming this is good growth and leaving it at that...

Linky Love: Cold and Dreary Edition

It is cold and dreary outside. I suspect that summer has finally given up the ghost and we're in the downhill slide into winter. It's a bit of a tricky thought - I thought I'd be much farther along on my dissertation than I am. I also thought teaching nine credits the first eight weeks of the semester would be easier than it was. Delusional, I am.

Anyway, I'm trying to get back into the swing of posting. So! Some links:

Amazon sidesteps the publishing houses: perhaps the very definition of post-modern.

I am normally suspicious of Starbucks, but I like this idea. It makes me like them more.

Hm. This is fascinating to me. Fascinating. I wonder if the gender trend will turn: men looking for woman to donate eggs and their womb.

I've been applying for jobs: apparently, I will never be a department chair.

Or, perhaps I'm not a nice guy. Hm.

Off to dissertate.

Regrets Collect Like Old Friends

I keep telling myself, "You regret it because it is good. You regret it because you want it to always be good." 

My head recognizes that it couldn't always be good. That's why I said what I said. There's an expiration date: like milk. 

So I will rail against the expiration date, enjoy it while I can, and be thankful I had it in the first place. 

No Life

Dear Undergraduate Pre-Service Teacher,

The purpose of this letter is two-fold. First off, I want to thank you for your participation in class. As I stated in our syllabus, discussion is essential to the social construction of knowledge and your insights into class readings and connections with your own experiences and what you are seeing in the field is delightful. I am looking forward to the rest of our time together.

In order to make that time run more smoothly, I feel I must offer a piece of advice and it is this: there are few things that piss me off more than the comment "You must be okay having no life" in regards to the amount of work, including readings, that are part and parcel of the education experience you are paying for. It is insulting on multiple levels. To begin, I am insulted that you fail to recognize the work that I have paid to the construction of our class time together. While you are reading sixty pages a class period, I had to read nearly five time that to come to our class readings. What are you reading is the best of the best, culled from a large body of research and practice. Additionally, I have spent time making explicit the connections between the readings and to educational practice so that you may benefit. Furthermore, while I have read the readings at least once, I will read them again in preparation for classroom discussion. For some of these articles, I have read them a dozen times or more. Yet I still manage to find new insight in them. I have worked diligently to provide you with quality reading materials and they may be many in pages, but we have sixteen total class meetings, at the end of which you will student teach. There is much to learn.

Furthermore, I am confused by your surprise that I am unwilling to bend my expectations to the lowest common standards. I expect you to be exceptional elementary teachers and will accept nothing less. The topics we cover in class are not my pet topics; I am not spending half the semester on educational technology or critical literacy, Rather, we are delving into topics that will serve your students well. Here's what you may not understand: while you are responsible only for the classroom of twenty-four or so students you will teach in the course of the school year, I am responsible for the instruction they receive. There are twenty four of you currently enrolled in my class; if, going with a conservative estimate, half of you find jobs, that is 288 students my current actions are influencing. I have high expectations for those children and, thus, I have high expectations for you. I will work you hard because I will not let those children down.

This, aside from plagiarism, is a sure way to raise my temper. You see, I have a life, one that I have dedicated to mentoring new teachers. I still find time to work with children, to teach reading, to work on my dissertation. To knit. To see my friends, although never as much as I would like. Yet I still find time to read and reread the course readings, to plan classes that are meaningful and interesting. I live correctly within my personal politics and I believe in education. I believe in teachers and in helping pre-service candidates become more than they thought they could be. So, before you question the quality of my life, question your dedication to your chosen profession. Do you want to be an informed, critical, savvy teacher or do you want summers off?

Honestly, I have to time to suffer fools and if your answer refers to summer, you may want to take this class with another instructor.

Be Well,
Me

At the Start

I taught my first class at my new campus this evening. Teaching is such a ridiculous high. This is the fifth year I've taught this particular class and I love that I know it inside and out. 

At the beginning of the class period, I had all twenty-five students line up behind a piece of painter's tape on the floor and pointed thirty paces ahead of them at another line of blue tape. I began rattling off terminology, things they will know by the time we are done. For each item they knew, they took a step forward. No one moved forward more than seven paces. "That," I told them, gesturing to the distance between them and the finish line, "is the intellectual distance we have to cover this semester." 

I love using the space as a metaphor this way. They know that they will be inching ever closer to that finish line, class by class. It also keeps me honest. I know that they are reliant upon me to help them get there. I can't help but love the sense of urgency. 

(Above photo from an installation at the Louisiana State Museum's exhibit Living with Hurricanes: Katrina and Beyond. Amazing exhibit.) 

Vacay Photos: NC Ocean

It's the eve before the beginning of classes and I'm still tweaking my syllabuses. Hard to believe that I was lounging on a beach this time a week ago...











Where the heck did the summer go?

Vacay Photos: New Orleans

I think I've redefined my definition of lucky, having found myself on a plane three times in the past three weeks. I enjoyed the amazing city of New Orleans (I say amazing, having rediscovered the city after the last excursion out there) while visiting my Bestie in Baton Rouge. A few snippets from my time in Louisiana: 

Descending

Yesterday, I woke up to the sound of the beach, the cacophony of waves hitting the shore. I closed the evening on a plane headed back to the Hoosier state. It was a vacation that ended much too early. I would have gladly spent several more days on the beach, punctuating the space between book chapters with dips into the salt water. 

Alas: the new semester starts on Monday and there were meetings to attend to. 

It was a solid reminder, I thought, of the state of relationships. While they have the potential to be long-term, there is no guarantee it will last. The key to both relationships and vacation: enjoy it while you are there, in it. 

Back

I've been away, experiencing and not doing too much documentation about those experiences. Returned from Louisiana last night after a week in the humid south. Amazing time - Baton Rouge and New Orleans are amazing cities, for very different reasons. 

And now? Preparing for classes to begin in a week and a half. True to form, there are a multitude of last minute changes. More after I get caught up... 

Links, Hot Friday Edition

It has been deathly hot this week - then again, it's been deathly hot everywhere this week. I'm a bit stressed by the idea of July being so close to done. I've fallen short on my dissertation goals for the month, haven't canned a single thing, and those twenty pounds I lost? Oh, they are back. With a vengeance. So this week has been a week of prep: clearing out the items on my To Do list that are impeding on working on my dissertation, making lists of what is in season for the farmer's market this weekend, and locating a gym in my new town. 

And? Links. Things that have been in my browser that I've found completely fascinating. 

...or just kind of sad. Having lived in the Ann Arbor area while teaching, I'll miss Borders. 

Just when I thought I couldn't love Al Franken any more, he does this. 

This seems like a good plan, in conjunction with the exercise. 

Facebook's got nothing on Ravelry. 

Anne Lamott's reminding me to find time. 

And just so I don't misplace it: The Kerlan Collection at the University of Minnesota has an awesome portfolio collection re: The Giver. 

And now? Off too Bloomington for the day. 

I still knit. I swear. Just not as much as I would like to. This baby sweater has been on the needles for the last few weeks and reminded me why I extremely dislike fair isle knit flat. (Oh! the pain!) 

These are in process photos - the sweater is now blocking. More photos once buttons have been procured.

Recidivism

Noun. "A tendency to lapse into a previous condition or pattern of behavior; especially, a falling back or relapse into prior criminal habits." 

And that, my friends, is the word of the day. 

More Silverware

I bought more starburst silverware while thrifting over the holiday weekend. I couldn't resist, really. It was six pieces for a dollar and there were tons of forks and soup spoons and, well, I thought I didn't have enough of them. 

One look at my silverware drawer (and the look on Manfriend's face when he found me at the checkout, silverware in hand) reminded me that I was wrong. 

But! (There's always a but when thrifting, isn't there?) But! There were patterns that I didn't have: 

I'm particularly loving the closest pattern, with the nebulous stars. I wasn't able to track down much information about any of the patterns, save for the one farthest away. It's a pattern from Hull called Enchanted Star. I only know that much from the stamp on the back. 

So: I have too much silverware. 

But: I will be prepared for the next large gathering. That's it. Eco-party planning. That's what I will call it.